Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
