there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
