Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
