the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
