also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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