are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
