Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
