we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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