I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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