Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
