You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
