Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
