his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Boobs are out for the taking
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
