I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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