just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
