We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We need to get me chipped asap
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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