my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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