I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
you never un-have a 4some
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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