I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
