I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
