In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize