I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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