My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
