you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
