Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We have so much sex to catch up on
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize