Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
