Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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