I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
