Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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