OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
