You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
