Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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