I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
