I will die if light touches me.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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