I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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