Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
