the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize