so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
