so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
