wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
