Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
