I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
