I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
