I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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