Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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