Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I made him laugh his dick is mine
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
