my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
