i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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