My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
