This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize