Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You pole danced in your parka.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize