Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
