my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
