Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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