my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
