I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
