I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
