When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
