Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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