I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize